Fear Factor
I'm a chicken.
Once upon a time when I was like 5 years old and learning to swim at the YMCA - I was the best swimmer in the class on shallow end of the pool - they wanted to bump me up to the next class which was on the deep end and I balked - bigtime. The thought of not being able to touch the bottom of the pool scared the crap outta me and I couldn't bring myself to get in the deep end. In shame I walked back to the shallow end of the pool and in stayed beginner class.
I don't think I ever got in the deep end that summer. 45 years later I still remember this incident and i'm still embarrassed by it.
I have a few other incidents in my life where fear has kept me from even trying whatever I was afraid of...fear is very powerful and easy to give into...however it never feels good to give into fear...but with that said - i was ready to give into this past weekend.
Last week I had decided NOT to race the Breck 32. I finally admitted to myself the reason I wasn't racing the Breck 32 was because I was afraid.
Backstory
Last year I raced the Breck 32 and had a blast. This race has so much fun singletrack - more than most of the other xc races. I finished 2nd to a really nice girl, Holly Wiek. She's WAY stronger on the climbs and I was faster on the descents. Last year the race ended with a hefty climb before a short descent to the finish and even tho we started the last climb at the same time and she beat me by ~4 minutes.
Holly and I had tentatively planned to ride together after that but it never happened and all of a sudden it's year later and Holly emailed that she had signed up for the Breck 32 and was asking if I was racing.
Originally I had planned to do the race but then the fear started creeping in. I started making the excuses. I was racing 2 days before the Breck 32 so I wouldn't be recovered. I'm old - I need lots of recovery time - so I wouldn't be up to par for the Breck32. There's no way I could do both races in a week and since I have been doing fairly well in the Wed night series I wasn't willing to 'sacrifice' a Wednesday night race. That was my excuse for not racing.
So ok - decision done - I wasn't racing - I had my excuses firmly in place.
But of course the REAL reason was I was afraid I wouldn't do well and it would embarrass me to do poorly - esp in front of Holly. So I admitted to myself, Dave and Dana the reason I wasn't doing the race was because i was AFRAID.
Then of course Holly throws a wrench into the whole thing. Holly and her husband are moving to Minnesota so he can go to school. For some reason (tho i barely know the girl) the thought of bypassing a chance to see and visit with Holly again really disturbed me.
So I thought - well i just go "ride" in Breck and visit with Holly after the race. (how lame is that) So after thinking how lame it would be for me to sit on the sidelines in Breck and not do a race on a course I love - I decided to race. I mean what was the worst that could happen - I could be DNF - well I've been DNF before and it didn't kill me. And I've choked at crucial times during my life - like the time I played in a WPBA pro event and choked in front of an audience.
So on Friday evening I packed up the car and headed to Summit County. Game on!
Partners in Crime
I saw on the web that there were 11 girls signed up for our category (40-49 open women) and but Holly was the only person I really knew so in the mist of ~300 people starting at the same time we lined up together. We stayed together for most of the opening road climb and after a bit Holly pulled away and i kept riding at my pace not willing to blow myself up so early in the race.
Then we hit the singletrack. Man - what a cluster. there isn't any "racing" going on here the best you can do it hold your line, stay on your bike and not lose any positions. After a switchback I see Holly standing by a switchback - I tell her to hop on and she got behind me and followed my line up the rest of the singletrack.
Then a dirt road climb that's 1.5 miles long we stay together for a bit but then she pulls away from me - I see her crest the climb and I start counting - she crested the climb 35 seconds ahead of me. But then here comes a fast and furious 1.5 mile descent where I topped out at 36.4 mph and I catch and pass her.
I see as i pass her she's gripping the seat with her legs and her elbows are in. After the descent and the road points up again - we are riding together and I tell her on the descents to open up her legs and let the bike bounce beneath her that will help with stability.
Then here comes Little French Gulch - that painful 1 mile climb that averages a tough 11% grade but has sections of up to ~15%. I've learned that every bit you can stay on your bike the faster the climb will be over but it's so steep and painful sometimes the pain wins and I'll walk parts. This time I vowed ride the 1st creek crossing and stay on my bike until the last steep pitch -walk ~50/60ft and when it lessens just a tiny bit by a downed log - I would get on my bike again there and ride the left turn - stay on the bike and ride the final creek crossing.
It might seem funny that even tho Holly and I are racing each other that we are sharing tips that might help the other person but I like that. I wanted Holly to do her best and I know she wanted me to do my best too.
Descending, climbing, descending.
I ran into traffic on the Flume trail - usually I can big-ring it in ~8 minutes but I got stuck in traffic and it took ~9 minutes to get to the American Gulch descent. I bombed the descent as quickly as possible in order to put as much distance between me and Holly as I could knowing she'd be able to catch me as there was a ~30 minute climb up the CO Trail coming up.
The CT trail climb is alway painful - after going full bore for 15 miles - this climb kicks my booty. I slowly grind my way up the climb - passing a few people here and there and a few people passing me here and there. I see some people walking and I force myself to stay on my bike and slowly keep cranking.
Just as I am getting to the top of the climb - I hear "Hi Cynthia!" I'm like "holly - is
that you?" She answers so happily back "yep - it's me!" She sounds so happy and chirpy I have to smile. I'm relieved the descending it about to happen and I turn it on for the descent.
I LOVE the West Ridge descent - it makes me happy. I'm hauling ass(for me) on the descent and kindly the guys I catch up to nicely let me by - then I quickly catch up to a guy and girl. The girl is toe-dabbing the switchbacks but not letting me and the other guy through. I'm a little be annoyed by this then she really badly botches a switchback and me and the other guy sneak past. The guy pulled over and let me pass and I have an open trail for the rest of the descent. I do hear someone behind me and ask him if he wants to pass but he says 'no - you are pulling me and i want to follow your lines'. I mentally shrug and get back to task at hand.
At the bottom of the descent there's short 5 minute climb and I see the toll this course has taken. People are scattered off the side of the trail, some hanging over their bikes gasping for air, some sitting eating and some sitting and staring off into space. Knowing this climb is only 5 minutes I ride as fast as I can so I can get to the next descent.
Here I pass a girl, Sage, that passed me way back at the beginning of the CT climb - she says 'hello' as I blast past her on a rocky section of the trail. I can't believe I caught up to her - she's phenomal climber and this is why I like this course - you have to be able to be a compentent climber and competent descender.
No water for the weary
I finally roll into Aid Station #2. I had purposely carried enough water and electrolytes to get me to the aid station. When I rolled up I *may* have had 3-4 oz of water left. I figured here I'd pick up a bottle of water that would take my to the finish 10 miles away. BUT there's NO WATER. Are you fucking kidding me?? NO WATER?? They said the guy left 10 minutes ago to get water and should be back any minute.
I was trying to decide what to do - I had a grueling 30-40 minute climb coming (one in which Holly could easily catch me) and if I waited around for water I would be cutting into the time I had gained on her on the descent. So with a measly 3-4 oz of water I left the aid station empty handed. As I rounded the corner I see a lady with a jug of water - i ask her if she has any to spare. and she says 'yes'. Oh man - i'm so lucky - she filled up my water bottle and
off I went.
I rode as hard as I could during the climb (even tho I felt like I was crawling) I passed a few guys here and there, saw other casualities and people walking up Gold Run road - it does average ~10% grade.
I played leap frog w/a singlespeeder. When I first I passed him he said 'you are looking fast' I said 'thanks but i feel so slow' He said 'i saw you on the descent - i couldn't keep up with you are descending like a mad woman'. I was very pleased with that compliment.
I finally hit that 2.5 miles of downhill singletrack - I catch and pass a couple of more guys and then finally hit the road to home.
I pedaled so hard I started getting a slight cramp in my left leg so I let up a little...I looked behind and didn't see anyone behind me.
At this point I knew I was home free. I hit the descent into Carter Park and as I crossed the finish line I felt like crying. I had no idea how I finished in the whole scheme of things but I had ridden to the best of my ability and I had ridden my little fucking heart out.
I waited for Holly to come in and she finished ~10 minutes after i did.
Someone came up to me later and said 'are you cynthia?' I'm like 'yeah' she said 'you got 2nd place'.
caveat, aftermath & disclaimers
First of all the fact I was 2nd doesn't not mean I am fast. Holly Wade was 1st and she beat me by a whopping 58(!) minutes. NOW that's fast! And I think this is an important part of the story that I was beaten by an hour. there are many a girl that are as strong or stronger than Holly Wade and the fact that I was 2nd is a case in "who showed up". USA cycling national xc championships were this day in Grandy so a lot of the fast girls were racing there.
BUT with that said I feel I'm a competent mtn biker. I was the oldest woman racing the 32 and finished 5th overall in the women's field. And I would've finished in the top half of the men's 40-49 field. So I am happy with my result - I just know I'm not one of the *really* fast girls.
It was great to visit with Holly Wiek after the race and we both have a lot of respect for each other's abilities. We are going to try to sneak in a ride on the South Boundary Trail in September before she takes off to Minnesota.
It's funny - Holly is the reason I did not want to race the Breck 32 but she's also reason I did race it. Funny how things work out, eh?
Once upon a time when I was like 5 years old and learning to swim at the YMCA - I was the best swimmer in the class on shallow end of the pool - they wanted to bump me up to the next class which was on the deep end and I balked - bigtime. The thought of not being able to touch the bottom of the pool scared the crap outta me and I couldn't bring myself to get in the deep end. In shame I walked back to the shallow end of the pool and in stayed beginner class.
I don't think I ever got in the deep end that summer. 45 years later I still remember this incident and i'm still embarrassed by it.
I have a few other incidents in my life where fear has kept me from even trying whatever I was afraid of...fear is very powerful and easy to give into...however it never feels good to give into fear...but with that said - i was ready to give into this past weekend.
Last week I had decided NOT to race the Breck 32. I finally admitted to myself the reason I wasn't racing the Breck 32 was because I was afraid.
The Breck 32 - ahem, I mean the Breck 34.5 course profile 
Backstory
Last year I raced the Breck 32 and had a blast. This race has so much fun singletrack - more than most of the other xc races. I finished 2nd to a really nice girl, Holly Wiek. She's WAY stronger on the climbs and I was faster on the descents. Last year the race ended with a hefty climb before a short descent to the finish and even tho we started the last climb at the same time and she beat me by ~4 minutes.
Holly and I had tentatively planned to ride together after that but it never happened and all of a sudden it's year later and Holly emailed that she had signed up for the Breck 32 and was asking if I was racing.
Originally I had planned to do the race but then the fear started creeping in. I started making the excuses. I was racing 2 days before the Breck 32 so I wouldn't be recovered. I'm old - I need lots of recovery time - so I wouldn't be up to par for the Breck32. There's no way I could do both races in a week and since I have been doing fairly well in the Wed night series I wasn't willing to 'sacrifice' a Wednesday night race. That was my excuse for not racing.
So ok - decision done - I wasn't racing - I had my excuses firmly in place.
But of course the REAL reason was I was afraid I wouldn't do well and it would embarrass me to do poorly - esp in front of Holly. So I admitted to myself, Dave and Dana the reason I wasn't doing the race was because i was AFRAID.
Then of course Holly throws a wrench into the whole thing. Holly and her husband are moving to Minnesota so he can go to school. For some reason (tho i barely know the girl) the thought of bypassing a chance to see and visit with Holly again really disturbed me.
So I thought - well i just go "ride" in Breck and visit with Holly after the race. (how lame is that) So after thinking how lame it would be for me to sit on the sidelines in Breck and not do a race on a course I love - I decided to race. I mean what was the worst that could happen - I could be DNF - well I've been DNF before and it didn't kill me. And I've choked at crucial times during my life - like the time I played in a WPBA pro event and choked in front of an audience.
So on Friday evening I packed up the car and headed to Summit County. Game on!
Partners in Crime
I saw on the web that there were 11 girls signed up for our category (40-49 open women) and but Holly was the only person I really knew so in the mist of ~300 people starting at the same time we lined up together. We stayed together for most of the opening road climb and after a bit Holly pulled away and i kept riding at my pace not willing to blow myself up so early in the race.
Then we hit the singletrack. Man - what a cluster. there isn't any "racing" going on here the best you can do it hold your line, stay on your bike and not lose any positions. After a switchback I see Holly standing by a switchback - I tell her to hop on and she got behind me and followed my line up the rest of the singletrack.
Then a dirt road climb that's 1.5 miles long we stay together for a bit but then she pulls away from me - I see her crest the climb and I start counting - she crested the climb 35 seconds ahead of me. But then here comes a fast and furious 1.5 mile descent where I topped out at 36.4 mph and I catch and pass her.
I see as i pass her she's gripping the seat with her legs and her elbows are in. After the descent and the road points up again - we are riding together and I tell her on the descents to open up her legs and let the bike bounce beneath her that will help with stability.
Then here comes Little French Gulch - that painful 1 mile climb that averages a tough 11% grade but has sections of up to ~15%. I've learned that every bit you can stay on your bike the faster the climb will be over but it's so steep and painful sometimes the pain wins and I'll walk parts. This time I vowed ride the 1st creek crossing and stay on my bike until the last steep pitch -walk ~50/60ft and when it lessens just a tiny bit by a downed log - I would get on my bike again there and ride the left turn - stay on the bike and ride the final creek crossing.
- At the beginning of the climb I can see Holly maybe 40ft ahead of me - I slowly keep cranking.
- Then I see a girl in our category(in a GS Boulder kit) pass me - I slowly keep cranking.
- It gets steeper - Holly and the GS Boulder girl are walking - I slowly keep cranking.
- I get close the creek crossing and I am DYING to get off my bike and walk - but I slowly keep cranking.
- I ride the creek crossing and slowly pass GS Boulder girl as she is still walking.
- I see Holly standing off the side of the trail catching her breath - I slowly keep cranking.
- It finally get to that steep pitch were I have to walk and I getoff the bike and start pushing. At this time both Holly and I are side-by-side. Holly says "Cynthia - push your bike with one hand on your seat so youwon't be so stretched out". I try that and it's way easier - I was very grateful for the tip.
- I see the log that signals for me to get back on the bike. I FORCE myself to get on my bike even tho I don't think I will be able to actually pedal and I slowly start cranking.
It might seem funny that even tho Holly and I are racing each other that we are sharing tips that might help the other person but I like that. I wanted Holly to do her best and I know she wanted me to do my best too.
Descending, climbing, descending.
I ran into traffic on the Flume trail - usually I can big-ring it in ~8 minutes but I got stuck in traffic and it took ~9 minutes to get to the American Gulch descent. I bombed the descent as quickly as possible in order to put as much distance between me and Holly as I could knowing she'd be able to catch me as there was a ~30 minute climb up the CO Trail coming up.
The CT trail climb is alway painful - after going full bore for 15 miles - this climb kicks my booty. I slowly grind my way up the climb - passing a few people here and there and a few people passing me here and there. I see some people walking and I force myself to stay on my bike and slowly keep cranking.
Just as I am getting to the top of the climb - I hear "Hi Cynthia!" I'm like "holly - is
that you?" She answers so happily back "yep - it's me!" She sounds so happy and chirpy I have to smile. I'm relieved the descending it about to happen and I turn it on for the descent.
I LOVE the West Ridge descent - it makes me happy. I'm hauling ass(for me) on the descent and kindly the guys I catch up to nicely let me by - then I quickly catch up to a guy and girl. The girl is toe-dabbing the switchbacks but not letting me and the other guy through. I'm a little be annoyed by this then she really badly botches a switchback and me and the other guy sneak past. The guy pulled over and let me pass and I have an open trail for the rest of the descent. I do hear someone behind me and ask him if he wants to pass but he says 'no - you are pulling me and i want to follow your lines'. I mentally shrug and get back to task at hand.
At the bottom of the descent there's short 5 minute climb and I see the toll this course has taken. People are scattered off the side of the trail, some hanging over their bikes gasping for air, some sitting eating and some sitting and staring off into space. Knowing this climb is only 5 minutes I ride as fast as I can so I can get to the next descent.
Here I pass a girl, Sage, that passed me way back at the beginning of the CT climb - she says 'hello' as I blast past her on a rocky section of the trail. I can't believe I caught up to her - she's phenomal climber and this is why I like this course - you have to be able to be a compentent climber and competent descender.
No water for the weary
I finally roll into Aid Station #2. I had purposely carried enough water and electrolytes to get me to the aid station. When I rolled up I *may* have had 3-4 oz of water left. I figured here I'd pick up a bottle of water that would take my to the finish 10 miles away. BUT there's NO WATER. Are you fucking kidding me?? NO WATER?? They said the guy left 10 minutes ago to get water and should be back any minute.
I was trying to decide what to do - I had a grueling 30-40 minute climb coming (one in which Holly could easily catch me) and if I waited around for water I would be cutting into the time I had gained on her on the descent. So with a measly 3-4 oz of water I left the aid station empty handed. As I rounded the corner I see a lady with a jug of water - i ask her if she has any to spare. and she says 'yes'. Oh man - i'm so lucky - she filled up my water bottle and
off I went.
I rode as hard as I could during the climb (even tho I felt like I was crawling) I passed a few guys here and there, saw other casualities and people walking up Gold Run road - it does average ~10% grade.
I played leap frog w/a singlespeeder. When I first I passed him he said 'you are looking fast' I said 'thanks but i feel so slow' He said 'i saw you on the descent - i couldn't keep up with you are descending like a mad woman'. I was very pleased with that compliment.
I finally hit that 2.5 miles of downhill singletrack - I catch and pass a couple of more guys and then finally hit the road to home.
I pedaled so hard I started getting a slight cramp in my left leg so I let up a little...I looked behind and didn't see anyone behind me.
At this point I knew I was home free. I hit the descent into Carter Park and as I crossed the finish line I felt like crying. I had no idea how I finished in the whole scheme of things but I had ridden to the best of my ability and I had ridden my little fucking heart out.
I waited for Holly to come in and she finished ~10 minutes after i did.
Someone came up to me later and said 'are you cynthia?' I'm like 'yeah' she said 'you got 2nd place'.
caveat, aftermath & disclaimers
on the podium
First of all the fact I was 2nd doesn't not mean I am fast. Holly Wade was 1st and she beat me by a whopping 58(!) minutes. NOW that's fast! And I think this is an important part of the story that I was beaten by an hour. there are many a girl that are as strong or stronger than Holly Wade and the fact that I was 2nd is a case in "who showed up". USA cycling national xc championships were this day in Grandy so a lot of the fast girls were racing there.
BUT with that said I feel I'm a competent mtn biker. I was the oldest woman racing the 32 and finished 5th overall in the women's field. And I would've finished in the top half of the men's 40-49 field. So I am happy with my result - I just know I'm not one of the *really* fast girls.
It was great to visit with Holly Wiek after the race and we both have a lot of respect for each other's abilities. We are going to try to sneak in a ride on the South Boundary Trail in September before she takes off to Minnesota.
It's funny - Holly is the reason I did not want to race the Breck 32 but she's also reason I did race it. Funny how things work out, eh?
Comments
I'm pretty sure I saw you turning left onto Baseline this evening, about 5:30 or thereabouts. I waved but traffic was horrible.
Ed
oh..i totally didn't see you today - i must've been focused on getting home and getting my afternoon nap in. ;)