mixed emotions
or maybe I should name this post - "Chasing that never-ending endpoint is addicting."
So I’m having mixed emotions about the decisions I am making in regards to pool. I know I’m stressing about this by the way I feel. I have a constant tightness in my chest and throat. When I’m not at peace with myself this is how it is manifests itself.
The last 3 weeks I’ve averaged ~11 hours playing pool per week – this includes time practicing and actual playing in tournaments. In addition – sometimes I’m so wound up over a tournament or a match I have a hard time sleeping and generally I *never* have a hard time sleeping.
Dana and a few of my other friends are like – ‘what’s the problem? Every time you talk about pool you mention how much fun you are having. So have fun!’
So here’s what I’m conflicted about:
Here’s why I’m choosing to play pool:
So…with all that said it’s up to me accept my actions on how I spend my time and let go of everything else.
I want to be able to “not have to play pool” and be able to walk away from it. I do have some fear around feeling like I “have to play/practice”.
I did walk away in November and December. In November I chose to go to Megan’s Moab adventure and December it ended up being such a nice day during the 8 ball tournament – even tho I had signed up – I asked the tournament director for my money back so I could ride my bike and ride my bike I did. :)
Actually this has been good for me to write down…I feel better already. It’s all in my control - in order for me to be at peace with this it’s up to me to *decide* how to spend my time and be able to accept the all the things that go along with those decisions.
So I’m having mixed emotions about the decisions I am making in regards to pool. I know I’m stressing about this by the way I feel. I have a constant tightness in my chest and throat. When I’m not at peace with myself this is how it is manifests itself.
The last 3 weeks I’ve averaged ~11 hours playing pool per week – this includes time practicing and actual playing in tournaments. In addition – sometimes I’m so wound up over a tournament or a match I have a hard time sleeping and generally I *never* have a hard time sleeping.
Dana and a few of my other friends are like – ‘what’s the problem? Every time you talk about pool you mention how much fun you are having. So have fun!’
So here’s what I’m conflicted about:
- The time I spend playing pool impacts my cardio fitness. The off-season is the time to get base cardio fitness and strength training in… and ~11 hours a week would be a ton of good fitness that would help my endurance during the biking season. (not to mention helping my pull-ups!)
- I am suffering from FONKU (fear of not keeping up) on the bike. All the peeps I ride with are STRONG riders (both cardio wise and technically) and so not working of my cardio fitness is gonna cost me. Yikes!
- My guitar playing is definitely suffering. During our last session Dave said “I’ve heard you play better” and “you are very mechanical tonight – listen to the rhythm” Dave is never harsh but always honest so for him to mention this I know I must’ve really been playing poorly. At the end of our practice session I was frustrated and felt like crying. :(
- Before I really got into pool again– I was doing really well on keeping up with all the things on my list – so now I’ve feel I’ve digressed
- I missing out on some of group stuff and hanging out with ‘the gang’.
Here’s why I’m choosing to play pool:
- First and foremost I LOVE the game. It’s mesmerizing, challenging and exciting. Every rack is different and it’s so like solving puzzles. And if you mess up there is always another rack to play and try again.
- I love the mental focus the game takes
- I’m in a better mental space than I was back in the day. Back in the day even when I was winning tournaments I wasn’t happy. I always “could’ve done better” or “not made any mistakes”. Nowadays even when I’m lose I’m usually happy…yeah - I make mistakes or maybe could have played better but I’m focusing on the things I did well.
- I’ve only been playing again for 3 months and I’d say I’m 85% - 90% of my previous skill level. It’s a great feeling on how much has come back and feel it’s possible to reach my previous level or even surpass it!
- Chasing that never-ending endpoint is addicting. Much like guitar – you never truly master the game – yeah - you can become good, even great - but there will always be something you can improve on.
- When I’m playing or done playing the first thought that pops into my head is: “that was FUN!”
So…with all that said it’s up to me accept my actions on how I spend my time and let go of everything else.
I want to be able to “not have to play pool” and be able to walk away from it. I do have some fear around feeling like I “have to play/practice”.
I did walk away in November and December. In November I chose to go to Megan’s Moab adventure and December it ended up being such a nice day during the 8 ball tournament – even tho I had signed up – I asked the tournament director for my money back so I could ride my bike and ride my bike I did. :)
Actually this has been good for me to write down…I feel better already. It’s all in my control - in order for me to be at peace with this it’s up to me to *decide* how to spend my time and be able to accept the all the things that go along with those decisions.
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